CC5 To Be or Not to Be

I delivered this speech in my Home club long ago, a satire on plagiarism in Hindi Movies. Please read with an open mind and heart 🙂

Ten things to do before I die – Dasvidaniyan or bucket list?
A girl and a guy can never be friends, says who – Saif Ali Khan in Hum Tum – or Billy Crystal in When Harry Met Sally
Three men trying to take care of a baby left at their apartment front door by some one – Hey Baby – three men and a baby
Date doctor for patients – guys who want to win over girls’ heart but do not know the tricks of trade – track of Partner, copied frame to frame from Hitch

Greetings, Toastmasters and guests, I hope you got the hint.
Yes, I am talking about the movies blatantly copied from Hollywood for Indian audience.
If I were to be very serious, I would say – Why is it, that with a billion + of creative talent, we still look upon Hollywood to entertain ourselves.
But I have got a different perspective here.
Let’s see why is it, that we copy Hollywood and not the vice versa.
Imagine a typical Bollywood movie:
What all do you need for it?
A hero – preferably very poor – maybe a taxi driver – who would mostly be an angry young man
A heroine – who would generally be the spoilt daughter of a rich father
The Rich Father – Who will mostly be bad, strict and cruel?
The oh –so – worried mother – who will be crying day in and day out when her daughter wouldn’t agree to marry her parents’ choice.
Hero’s old, poor, helpless mother – His father would generally not be there.
A Villain – Of course, who will our hero hit like anything in the climax otherwise?
Some 5-7 songs, which will come at anytime or rather the most unexpected time in the movie
And if the director still has some energy left – maybe a plot.
Let’s assume that Hollywood decides to pay us back in our coins (we would be quite happy though, to be an inspiration for a Hollywood movie) – and decides to copy this typical Hindi movie.
Now, no matter what – they need a plot. So, let’s look at our generic plot for hits/ super hits or super-duper hits
The hero & heroine (let’s say Rachel & Ross, no, no, we must not copy as it is we must get inspired – Hazel & Boss); meet – mostly in college. Hazel will be dressed in the weirdest of costumes; the skin fit churidaars and knee-length kurti, scarf on her head and huge sunglasses – no matter what time of the day it is. She will definitely and accidentally meet hero on the corridor and then the question – ‘I hope you did not get hit anywhere’. Hazel would be so thankful – and then there it will be – Love at first sight. There will be a song too – mainly dream sequence – Eyes have dreams, dreams have lover, I fell for lover, I fell for lover. Now of course, Hazel’s mother has to know this. She will come to her daughter’s room and start shouting – ‘Woman from a lousy family tree, did I raise you to show me this day? Where had you gone to have your face painted black???
On the other side, Boss, who adopted unlawful means to become rich to marry the rich girl, would have a row with his brother – he has just arrived in the story. Here is the conversation between them – I have car, I have bungalow, I have bank balance – What do you have hain?? I have mother – my brother!!!
Anyways – after a lot of drama Hazel & Boss will get married and then – alas – twist – Boss will turn bad. Now comes the emotional drama part. A scene with Hazel & Boss.
Hazel – ‘One pinch red powder, one pinch red powder’s worth – how will you know Boss? And she will leave the house. Boss will come back to his senses – will run after her, but too late – Hazel has been abducted by her father’s goons who happen to sit somewhere in caves or woods where Boss has to go on a horse with his brother. Boss will address the villain – let’s call him Bubber – Dog, rascal, I will drink your blood. I will hit you by your life. Bubber will ask one of his sycophant,  “How many men were there Dalia?? “; “Two government.”; ” 2? They 2, you 3, still you came empty-handed. What did you think? I will be happy, I will praise you?” Then there will be a fight, dishoom dishoom, Boss will finally be nice and lawful and with Hazel again.

The screen will say – and they lived happily ever after.
Any buyers for this Bollywood flick – to be or not to be – a Hollywood blockbuster?
If yes – well we just need to put forward the idea.
If no – well at least we know why there are no copies from Bollywood to Hollywood.
Because – The movie is still pending my friend!!
Picture abhi baaki hai mere dost!!


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