I delivered this speech at my home club. Disclaimer – if any of my engineering classmates are reading this – please don’t get angry at me for the stereotypes I have used. They are just for fun! No part of this speech bears an intentional resemblance to any person or place, dead or living 😛
When I die, don’t cry.
Because I will be happy to get rid of all the subjects who have haunted me all my student life. In fact I will be so happy, I will singing and dancing and rapping.
When I die, bury me deep.
Four feet down and fast asleep.
Put my math book on my head,
Tell my teacher that’s why I am dead
Place my Physics book in my hand
Tell him nothing did I understand.
And tell all those not to cry,
For they are the one who made me die!
This is going to be the epitaph on my tombstone.
Fellow toastmasters and guests, do you think it is too soon to be talking about epitaphs for my age. No really, how old do I look? I know my beautiful and radiant skin doesn’t give my age away. But I am actually old enough to attend a particular event – silver jubilee celebration for the respected engineers of my Almamater- the place where we spent four years studying steam tables, RCC n Steel codes, design of sewers and what not to end up working in the IT / ITES firms, which by the way, have got nothing, mind you nothing, to do with these at all. Ah!That reminds me of the hard work I underwent, studiously taking Xerox of all the pieces of paper I could gather from the souls popularly known as professors, the laborious job of entering the class just in time for attendance and leaving undetected just after it. Proxy wasn’t an option as the female gender of Homo sapiens species is quite a rarity in the abodes known as engineering institutions irrespective of or because of the fact that girls are the top scorers in most of the boards all over the country. Don’t ask me why? Let me save feminism for another speech. So, back to the event; this was – A special Alumni Meet. Being the senti-cum-mental person I am, I decided to reach the place a couple of hours earlier than the designated time. I wanted to have a look on the amazingly wonderful graffiti we managed to scribble on the walls and desks alike. The imaginary sight of “Hey, next class is mass bunk right?? “And “Hey see, Kunal is looking at me”, brought a smile to my lips.
Since it was a big occasion, I took every care to look my best. So did the guy, Vaibhav, whom I remembered as oh so rich. He gave us an account of how he prepared for the same. Let me recite that for you in his lovely verse:
I rented a tux and a black toupee, then brushed my shoes and hair
I trimmed my moustache and my beard, and changed what I wear
I emptied the bottle of aftershave, and rented a limousine
I brushed my teeth with Ultra-Bright, then gargled some listerine
I soon arrived in splendid form, with a flower on my chest
Sporting a rented diamond ring, and smelling my very best
Me: Dude rented??
Him: What you thought I always had that much money?
I wanted to meet everyone and didn’t have much time. So I moved ahead. The lean mean Meena of my batch appeared to have gained weight finally, though an addition of 100 pounds to once upon a time a total of 100 seemed a little more than little.
We got talking. After the usual niceties, she said – ‘Look, isn’t that forgetful Farida, I said –‘Yeah, she looks familiar, but too young, maybe skins like mine. In reply to our curious glances she came to us and said “I am her daughter. She couldn’t make it. When I was born, she got a little plump; someone told her you have to walk to stay in shape. She started walking five miles a day and now we don’t know where the hell she is”
The next was ‘Ravi’ who didn’t look too well. When I asked him, he said, “Oh no, all is well. Just a little tight. I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble is, off late it has started being my own.” I consoled him and moved ahead.
And then I saw Sukhi. He was so much in love with college that he took his own time in moving levels in college. Someone was arranging a bouquet of beautiful flowers on the table which gave him a shiver. Later he confided, “At my age flowers scare me.” God knows when will they be at my grave?
Just when we were talking of scare, Tiny, the regular gym goer, who had become like this(action – really fat), came and said, “Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.”
While we were trying to decipher this talk, Nerdy Naveen came. He was an engineer to the core of his cranium. He was married to the prettiest lady of the batch who didn’t, by the looks of it, enjoyed her husband’s grey matter much. She started off with her woes at every chance; telling everyone how Nerdy introduces her as “My lady@ home. Wife”, sends a mail for dinner instead of calling, stares at an orange juice carton because it says ‘CONCENTRATE’, uses CAD to design their son’s toy car, takes her to sci-fi movies and discusses tech glitches in detail afterwards, can remember all his PC Passwords but never their anniversary. She looked worried about her son, who seemed to think of his dad as one of the ET Crew, because when once he did the terrible mistake of asking him why the sky is blue, Nerdy started off with atmospheric absorption theory.Yeah. If any of the young guns here is planning to marry off any engineering topper, beware, this is what your life may look like.
Amidst all of it, I realized how in those good old days we used to be free of all worries, with no money loading our pockets and yet all the happiness at our side.
But alas, suddenly, I started getting this strange vision of what I see on my computer screen every now and then when I am working – ‘Abort Retry Ignore’ as options for my lovely life. Abort Retry Ignore. Abort Retry Ignore. Abort Retry Ignore. I was suddenly terrified, shocked and started shouting. That’s when my mom woke me up and I realized, it was but a dream. I shouted; I am still young!! My mom looked at me and said so? So am I.