ACBE3 – Five Point Something

This was a 5-7 minutes humorous speech based on my vertically challenged posture 😛 . I delivered this speech in the Humorous Speech Contest as well and managed to go to the division level. Hope you like it.

Once upon a time, with clouds thundering and making the dark night darker with the stark contrast of lightning, a loud shriek broke the silence of the house where everyone was awaiting a miracle. That precious sound was of a girl born on the same day as gorgeous Shilpa Shetty and genius Scott Adams. It was X years, Y month, Z days, A hours and some minutes ago. The reason I am not so sure about the minutes is because, when asked about her time of birth, her mom said, “That I don’t know, what I remember is that DD2 was telecasting another episode of ‘Buniyaad’, which I had to miss!”
Greetings contest chair, Toastmasters and guests! That was when – a story – 5 point something was born.
The newborn was a cute little weirdo or so her dad says. She started growing like any other kid her age till Somatotropin and DNA stopped working in her favor some 12 years later. That was when she realized that being in school Basketball team required more than just talent, being first one in the school assembly line was not so pleasant anymore and tiptoeing to see what’s written on the board ceased being fun.
Let’s hop down the time line a little. It is her first Public Exam. She walks into the centre & the guard says “Junior School Exam timings are 8-11 baby”. She feels like giving him a shot but exam saves the guy.
She runs in with time and ‘Whoa’, it’s College. All friends come by metro. She decides to try it once. One of the daily commuters says, “Good idea, it will be free too. Kids below 3 feet don’t need a ticket.” Exasperated she tries to ride a bike, realizes that her feet can’t reach the ground, she can’t balance it. A minute here, a turn there and boom!! Wait a minute, why there is no sound? That is because; the bike has landed straight into – Pleasant to the eyes, fragrant to the nose, a big huge heap of garbage. Oh the tragedy of not being able to hold on to bike and press the brakes together. To deviate, she turns to basketball court – I have to do well, I am nervous, I am nervous. Oh my God, a giant of coach comes and says – “Why don’t you try throw ball kiddo?” Nevertheless, she practices and gets to captain her team. Ok fine, just for a day and that day the team gets a walk over but who cares?
Four years of engineering done, first day at work. She walks in with a friend.
Security Guard (to the friend): “Ma’am your younger sister can’t come in without a visitor’s Pass”
I- Cards are a true savior in such cases.
Pleased at it all, she goes out with a few friends. Smart black top, skin fit jeans folded a bit to fit (alteration was expensive, people). One guy in the group says – “Did capries go out of fashion or 5/4 th is the new in thing.” After a round of laughter, they are all out in the garden. Three of them sit on 3 swings. 2 are asked immediately by the guard to get up as the swing is meant for kids but she is allowed for obvious reasons. Red faced with embarrassment, she moves to the swimming pool for some change. A small boy, who seems to be sunbathing instead of swimming as he hasn’t moved even once in all the time she has been there, is staring at her. Remember the smart black top and skin fit jeans; she is looking cute and hot. He comes up finally and asks – “Which Class?”
Rewind the story – dark night, clouds, and lightning – blah blah blah – yeah right there. Now fast forward to 22 years. Obviously, her parents are eager to have her married. The oh-so-typical mother to her neighbor – “Mrs. Chaddha – look for some guys for my chitti”. Her son – “Are you kidding me? Who wants to be taken in for child marriage? Oh wait – they may actually give a second thought – she is a great hand rest man!!”
Visibly upset – she goes to her psychiatrist and says “everyone makes fun of me”. He looks deep into her eyes and says, “Don’t be ridiculous, not everyone has met you yet.”
She thinks wistfully – Oh, to be tall!!

To walk down the street and be able to see where you are going!
To be able to see your face in the mirror in the women’s room!
To be able to look men in the eye, there are men her height, but who wants to see them?!
To have her feet reach the ground when sits on a chair!
To be able to accelerate a bike and change the gears at the same time!

That girl, exactly 149 centimeters tall, who when asked by anyone or needs to write down on a form, always, always, always gives a second thought of writing in front of height column – Five Point Something. That Five Point Something is standing right here, right now in front of you all.

Wait, wait, wait – the story is not yet over.

There are good things about being Five Point Something. All you Five Points something here, let me list out a few advantages of being short, oh I am so sorry, being vertically challenged as we are called now, which I googled out and felt happy about:

We rarely have to bend down to speak
We rarely bang our head
It’s easier for us to squeeze through the crowd
We don’t have our feet hanging over the bed when we are asleep
No one bothers us to get things off top shelves (not that we can use them ourselves)
We don’t have to change light bulbs

And dear friends: think about it: No one ever wrote a book on “God of Tall Things”, it was “God of Small Things”

And if all these don’t suffice, I am reminded of a short sweet sentence that a friend of mine wrote on my farewell celebrating what we popularly call as scribbling day:

Choti, Life is tough but you will always stand tall!!

Oh by the way, for all those inquisitive souls, wondering what that something is in my Five Point Something – It is ‘0’. 😀


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